


May These Noises Startle You In Your Sleep Tonight

by mychemicallyromance



Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Drug Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 01:00:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7597171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mychemicallyromance/pseuds/mychemicallyromance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The band was waiting for their call to head up on stage. Vic looked over to the other guys, knowing they felt and thought the same thoughts when they were called to go out; the smoke hitting the air as they walked out, grabbing their instruments, and looking at all of the beautiful faces of their fans. Their fans were chanting and screaming for them to start their concert, to start hearing their songs, and it was so heartwarming that Vic could never forget these moments. Every venue was different and so were the unforgettable memories of each. The fans always wanted the same thing, but they were all so different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	May These Noises Startle You In Your Sleep Tonight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Idea Turnstile (jatty)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jatty/gifts).



> jatty wanted me to write sad/abused vic. here you go, my friend.

Vic was so pumped for this show that he was practically _jumping_ out of his own skin, and he knew his band mates felt the same. The concert was _sold out_ the moment the tickets were released out to their fans, and many fans bought the package that had a meet and greet. The fact that the band gets to meet their fans, hear their stories, take pictures, and just hugging them as they followed their requests. It was nice to see their happy faces and smiles as they meet the band that they love, and it’s just so satisfying to see that and know that _you’re_ the one doing it. Vic could _never_ get tired of that sensation.

Vic loved the performance of concerts and the way the lights shined against the crowd, showing the faces that adored him and his band. Vic knew the band members felt the same way too—especially Mike, his brother. Jaime and Vic would often play with each other on stage, pointing their guitars at each other, which would erupt screams or “aw” noises from the crowd. Although, Vic wished phones weren’t out all the time, he was glad that the fans were capturing moments they could look back on forever and ever. Vic would never forget how far his band had come—seeing things they never thought was possible.

The band was waiting for their call to head up on stage. Vic looked over to the other guys, knowing they felt and thought the same thoughts when they were called to go out; the smoke hitting the air as they walked out, grabbing their instruments, and looking at all of the beautiful faces of their fans. Their fans were chanting and screaming for them to start their concert, to start hearing their songs, and it was so heartwarming that Vic could never forget these moments. Every venue was different and so were the unforgettable memories of each. The fans always wanted the same thing, but they were all so different.

When the smoke cleared and showed their faces, the screams became louder and some fans chanted, _Pierce the Veil_ over and over again, and sometimes they chanted Vic’s name or the other bandmates. It was so surreal that it always took Vic’s breath. Who knew a few boys from San Diego would make it _this_ far? Vic knew of many bands in the making of theirs who never got as far as they did, ever, and he knew people in his high school who are jealous when they see their success. It _pleased_ him. His and Mike’s bullies always told them that they’d amount to nothing, but, shit, here they all are standing at this venue that was _sold out_.

They were all so lucky. Vic knew luck wasn’t always on their side, at all, and for some reason they made it so fucking far. Although he loved touring and appreciated everything by it, he wanted to get home to his lover. This tour had been great, don’t get him wrong, but he misses his home and his lover, and everything about their home. There’s always a lilac smell lingering around their house, its always clean, and there was no flaws about it at all. Vic was blessed with everything life has given him, ups and downs.

Vic kept singing the words to their songs and talking to the crowed, thanking them for coming. He really did mean his thank yous, he did. Vic looked at their faces as he sung their new songs from _Misadventures_ and it took him by surprise as they sung every word. They only put this record out this year. Fans were jumping, singing, chanting, and some of them had signs saying, “We love you!” how did they ever get this lucky? Vic kept thinking that question the longer the concert went.

When they had gotten to _Today I Saw The World_ the other band mates had gone backstage as Vic pulled out his acoustic guitar, making the fans scream loudly. “Hey there,” he said, tuning the guitar to get ready for the song. “I’m gonna sing one of the song on this album acoustically, hope you guys don’t mind.”

Of course, the fans screamed for him to let him know their answer, making him smile. He finished tuning his guitar, looking back at the crowed and started strumming the cords as he started to sing as well. When the first few words came out of his mouth, the screams became louder, and closed his eyes to continue with the song.

 _Baby, pour over_  
Tell me, are we concrete?  
What would you do without my perfect company to your undressed spine?  
And I can hear you drag behind my car by your broken legs  
Swallowing stitches in her sleep  
As she stole my only view, may I never blink 

Vic remembered when he first showed this song to his lover; he was so nervous when he did it, he was stuttering the lyrics as he strummed his guitar. The look on Kellin’s face was amazing after all the lyrics were out of his mouth, and he sighed at the memory as he kept going for his fans.

 _While you stood over the pavement_  
I was biting the curb  
Sick entertainment  
But I'll bet it feels good coming down  
Can't bear to wash out the wasted time  
Between your lips and mine  
  
Zero friends  
Followed your voice into a sea of crosses  
She blends in with the foxes gold and feels like home  
Under the surface, my love  
But beware, beware, beware  
And take it slow tonight  
We're on the other side of the road  
I think we're bleeding out 

Those lyrics had made the fans hold up lights, or sing louder, and he smiled before closing his eyes again. Vic kept going with the song, feeling his stomach flutter and his heart beat harder as he thought about Kellin and his fans, and about how this is their last night touring. He will soon see Kellin. God, this song only made him miss Kellin even more because on late nights where they were both restless they would sing Pierce the Veil songs, and Kellin’s voice was so gorgeous, even when he was sick. Kellin was gorgeous anyway, there was no doubt about it.

_While you stood over the pavement_ __  
_I was biting the curb_ __  
_Sick entertainment_ __  
_But I'll bet it feels good coming down_ __  
_Can't bear to wash out the wasted time_ __  
_Between our lips_ __  
_So c'mon and swing it back and forth just like_ __  
_My heart is on a pendulum tonight_ __  
_If your lungs are mine_ __  
_I only wanna watch your clouds linger in the darkness_ __  
  
_Oh, can't you feel it?_ __  
_You're feeding on my restless soul_ __  
_Oh, can't you see that_ __  
_It's never enough, it's never enough_ __  
_Oh, can't you feel it?_ __  
_You feed on my restless soul_ __  
_Oh, can you see that?_ _  
_ _It's never enough, it's never enough—_

Vic had to pause before he continued, there was a disruption that caught his attention in the back; Vic strained to look to see what was going on, but the guards had whatever it was taken care of. Vic shrugged and continued the song anyway and hoped that no one was hurt. Sometimes, the interruptions startled Vic because a fan could’ve gotten hurt or something much worse. Who knew.

_Today I saw the whole world_ __  
_And I think heaven has a plot to take my life_ __  
_Listen, I'm the one who made you_ __  
_I'll be the one who brings you down_ __  
_But this will be the last time_ __  
  
_Bite on the curb_ __  
_All your sick entertainment_ __  
_But I'll bet it feels good when you're coming down_ __  
_Can't bear to wash out the wasted time_ __  
_Between our lips_ __  
_So c'mon and swing it back and forth just like_ __  
_My heart is on a pendulum tonight_ __  
_If your lungs are mine_ _  
_ _I only wanna watch your clouds linger in the darkness_

After Vic finished the song, he stood up and had the techs put the guitar away, and the other band members came back out, picking up their instruments. Vic picked the microphone back up. “How’d you like that? Was it good enough?” he asked, smiling when screams filled his ears. “Good,” he started, “Well, since you’ve all been _good_ , let’s sing one more song. Sound good enough?” The band members all looked at each other, nodding their heads before playing one more song. King for a Day filled everyone’s ears, making the fans scream loudly as they continued to play.

*

The band had finished, the techs cleaned up their stuff, and the band helped them gather everything up so they could get on the road faster. However, Mike had came up to him and proposed the idea that they all should go out for drinks after signing, but Vic declined politely, saying he wanted to use the bathroom before going back in to sign, and then pack stuff. The guys left, leaving Vic all alone—aside from the techs, but even they had taken a break. Vic tried finding one of the porta potties so he didn’t have to get crowded in the bathrooms inside the bathroom. The bus was pretty far from the potties, but Vic knew he would be in and out in moments time, then going back inside to sign. _Maybe_ he would go out drinking if it wasn’t too late and the guys were still there.

However, before he could even open the door, something pushed him down to the ground. It was confusing at first, but he assumed it was the guys playing a prank on him, but when he looked it was no one he recognized. Maybe it was a fan, but how did they get back here? The gates were pretty high, unless the fan followed him out here...Oh fuck. It _was_ a fan. Vic tried getting up, but he was kicked in the ribs, turned over, and the fan sat on his butt, pining him. Vic knew what was going to happen, although he hoped not.

“What do you want?” Vic asked, trying not to shake or show the fan that he was weak or scared. It would only make things worse so he hoped he could make the fan go away before _it_ actually happened. “Do you want money?”

“No,” the fan said. “I want you.”

“What do you mean?!” Vic asked as he felt his shirt being lifted slightly and his pants being taken off so slowly. Vic tried to fight it but this man had twenty or thirty pounds more than Vic, and it made Vic feel smaller than he already was. The way the man had been sitting on him, making his body dig into the gravel, hurt so much already. “What do you want from _me_?”

“You,” the fan said again. “I _need_ you.”

The more the man had gotten his pants off, the more Vic felt so exposed, so humiliated and weak already. Soon enough, Vic felt his boxers being slid down, but that’s when Vic flipped himself over, covering himself as he tried to get up, but he was only pushed back down. The man had sat on Vic’s calves to keep him somewhat pinned.

“Please, don’t make me hurt you, Vic,” the man pleaded, touching Vic’s hair very gentle. “I just want to make love, okay? That’s all I want, Baby.” The man leaned closer, his breath hitting Vic’s ear as the man said, “I want you to remember _me_.”

The man pulled back away to only flip Vic back onto his stomach, making it uncomfortable as the pebbles and gravel dug into Vic’s pelvic region. Vic felt his eyes water but he had to stop it—he couldn’t show how weak he was to this man. Who was he anyway? Why would his fans do this to him? Why couldn’t this fan be normal and have waited until Vic was back in there to sign whatever they wanted him to. Why does it have to be like this?

Vic felt the man spread his cheeks, looking at him intimately that made Vic’s cheeks burn red, and it was already making him feel gross. Vic felt a finger sliding up and down his crack, lips going from his neck to his hole, but pulling away quickly, and then he heard the man’s pants being unzipped. There was a distinct sound of lube being squirted on to the man’s hand or dick, then he felt a finger swirl around his hole, pushing in. Vic rest his head onto his arms, trying to block all of this out. Surely, his band mates would be out, right? They’ll stop this horrible act, won’t they?!? But, at that moment, it seemed like no one was there for him.

Two fingers were roughly shoved inside of him, the lube didn’t help, and it felt like he was being rubbed raw. The third finger was the worst of them all, and Vic’s body was trying to force the foreign fingers back out of him. God, when was this going to stop? It was only getting started, and if he couldn’t handle the fingering, how was he going to handle the rape? _How?!_

“God, Baby, you are so tight,” the man said, clicking his tongue and kissing Vic’s back, licking his neck. “I can’t wait—god, I’ve been waiting so long to make love to you. I’ve always loved your band since I was a teenager. I knew we’d be together some day.”

“You’re so fucking crazy! Get _off_ of me!” Vic spat, still hiding his face in his arms as he tried to block everything out, but the crazy man prevented that every time he chuckled or talked about Vic. “Stop!”

The longer Vic struggled, the weaker he became; mentally and physically, he couldn’t keep trying to hold on. He did not want this at all, and that’s why he was trying to fight, but it was so hard when someone weighs more than you do. The man was stronger too, stronger arms. Vic could feel his spirits sinking at each other man’s movements and next actions. There was movement, Vic could tell, and then the fingers were gone but to only be replaced with something much larger, something more painful.

Vic knew the more he tensed, the more it hurt, but he couldn’t help it. He felt disgusting. The night had been so good, but how did it get this bad? What had he done to deserve this? Vic was never mean or rude to his fans, at all, so why would someone—a fan—do this to him? Did he do something? Vic was snapped out of his thoughts when he felt a hand in his hair, lifting his head up and turning it. The man had his mouth open, wet as he panted. The thrusts were relentless. They hurt. Vic could tell that he was bleeding because everything became slicker, less dry, and that’s when Vic started to cry and shake harder. The man let go of Vic’s hair and thrusts got even _faster_ than before.

“Vic,” the man panted out, petting Vic’s hair to get his attention. “Vic, sing for me.”

“What?” came Vic’s broken and sad voice, cracking because of the emotions. The act seemed to go on forever, every second seemed like years. “You want me to do what?”

“Sing for me,” the man said. “Sing me your songs.”

And with a broken voice, Vic started to sing the only song that came to his head and spilled from his lips.

XXX

After the act was finished, Vic struggled to pull himself together. Everything hurt—his voice, his head, his body. Everything. When Vic stood, his legs felt like jelly as he pulled his clothing back up and on; everything felt like fire with every movement that he had to do before the guys would come looking for him, asking why he never came to sign anything.

When Vic felt dampness on himself, he felt disgusted even more—he _pissed_ himself. Vic tried running to the bus, hurrying as he could despite the pain. When he found his clothes, he changed and didn’t dare to go back out there. Vic wished he could take a shower, but this bus was old, there were no proper showers on this one. There was running water, but they only used that to freshen up and brush teeth, that’s it. Vic felt so dirty in his own skin that he once wore proudly—he was confident, now he wasn’t because of that fan. Who knew fans were evil?

Vic really just wanted to go home, but at the same time he didn’t because Kellin would be there, and Kellin always knew when there was something wrong— _always_. One time, Vic had accidentally taken too much money and spent it, then he felt bad, and told Kellin. Vic was never a good liar, either, and he hated hiding things from Kellin. Kellin was the nicest and sweetest person Vic had ever met, and as cheesy as it sounds, they fell in love at first sight. Now, Vic wonders if Kellin would ever love him if he knew what had happened.

All of Vic’s terrible thoughts stopped when he heard the van door open, chatter heard from the guys as they walked in. None of them smelled of booze so Vic knew that they didn’t go drinking, and he was quite glad because it would’ve taken longer to get them round up and home. Vic just wanted to go _home_ , to sleep in his own bed...he wanted Kellin most of all. Kellin gave out great hugs, he had comforting words when everything just seemed to going to shit, and he was a great person. Kellin was Vic’s world, and he didn’t know what he would do without Kellin. God, it was hard to think about if Kellin ever left him. Vic wouldn’t even be able to take care of himself, at all, and...he just needed Kellin right now, actually. How would Vic bring this up, though? ‘ _Oh hey, Kell, I got raped, how are you?’_ because that would not be a logical way, but at the same time, maybe things could go back to normal when he got home—no more having to worry what fan was where and if they’re gonna do it all over again.

“Hey! Why didn’t you go signin’?” Mike asked, scowling at Vic, but it wasn’t in anger, it was a simple question. “The fans were looking for you.”

“I...I just d-don’t feel good,” Vic said, trying not to think about what had just happened to him. Part of him was still in shock, he still needed to process what had happened and what he needed to do, or not do. “My stomach hurts.”

“Lay down. You look like shit, bro.” Mike bumped his shoulder before going to his suitcase to change clothes, hiding himself as he changed his pants.

“I know.”

*

Later that night, Vic had a hard time falling asleep as everything seemed to remind him of what had happened. It was comforting as he heard the bus moving, old thing moving over bumps and curbs, and it was just soothing, weirdly. It startled him, however, when he heard a chirp, and realized it was his phone. On the lock screen, it was a message from Kellin, and it made him smile a little bit as he saw the name.

The message had read: _i miss u_

Vic smiled and started to type, but before he could even get anything out a picture was sent from Kellin. It took Vic ten seconds to realize that Kellin had sent a nude picture, of his penis, to Vic. Vic dropped the phone, ran to the bathroom and started to vomit. There really wasn’t anything to vomit besides stomach bile, and Vic started to cough and dry heave. Vic’s hair felt greasy and wet, and he felt sweat on his body.

Vic knew he wouldn’t be able to stand on his two feet so he decided to make best friends with the toilet for the night, but before he could do anything more, Mike walked inside the bathroom with a bottle of water, handing it to Vic. “We’ll be home soon,” he said, patting Vic’s shoulder before walking back out and into the bunk.

It was then when he made friends with the toilet.

  


When Vic woke up, he was lying on the bathroom floor still, in a protected but cold ball. Today was when they were going home and everyone was ecstatic, but Vic had his doubts. He did miss Kellin, but how would he react after finding out what happened to Vic? This could not go public. Maybe it was best to keep all of this to himself, but would that even be healthy? Fuck, he didn’t even know. Just the thought of wanting anyone like _that_ again, made his stomach drop thousands of feet away from him.

XXX

They all had finally went home when it was a past four, but as Vic started walking up the drive way with his bags in his hand, he looked at everything. He wished he was a hermit; no one would touch him, no one would bother him. As much as Vic didn’t like being inside his mind most days, it was better than having someone hurt you. Vic sighed, shaking his head, and walked up to the front door, opening it slightly.

When the door was open, the smell of vanilla erupted his senses, and this was the reason why he loved first walking into his house. It smelled so much better than tour; tour smelled like sweat and dirty balls, all the time, and his house made him feel...a _little_ less gross. In the kitchen, Vic could hear Kellin on the phone with someone, and his voice relaxed Vic. Vic slowly made his way into the house, dropping his stuff by the door, and then went into the kitchen.

Vic’s spirits dropped when he noticed how distraught Kellin looked, and he only got that look when he was being transferred call to call, bills and more bills. It was not the time to tell Kellin what had happened, and he was actually going to, but the look on Kellin’s face made him think otherwise. Kellin was not in the mood to hear even more bad news...Kellin was busy, and he didn’t dare to disturb him either. Vic sighed, walking closer to look and admire Kellin, wanting him to look up at him but he didn’t. Kellin let out a loud groan because of whoever it was on the phone said something that he did not like.

“I _did_ pay those bills!” Kellin growled, fisting a hand in his already mess of hair. “No!--goddammit.” Kellin slammed the phone down, letting out an aggravated sigh before looking at Vic and smiling a tad bit.

“Hey,” Vic said quietly, pulling a chair out to sit on across Kellin. “How are you?”

“Aggravated,” Kellin said, shaking his head but the smile was still on his face, getting up and walking closer to Vic. Kellin wrapped his arms around Vic, hugging tightly, and then pulled away, kissing his head. “You smell. Go shower.”

“Yeah, I should,” Vic said, no emotion in his voice, and he looked at Kellin with a distant look on his face. Whenever Vic would come home from a tour, he would shower, and then tell Kellin about all of it, but this tour he couldn’t tell him. Vic could tell all the events before his attack, but not the venue where the attack was.

“Do...do you want me to come with you?” There was a suggestive tone in Kellin’s voice that made Vic’s insides flip.

“No.” That two lettered word was the first word that flew out of his mouth that he didn’t even have to think about. Vic and Kellin always showered together when they could—always, it was their thing to do, and it didn’t mean sexual, but often times than not it was, and if Vic had said yes, then Kellin would try for more. It was not going to happen, Vic thought.

“I’m not in the mood,” Vic said, trying to explain himself without hurting Kellin’s feelings—hurting Kellin was the last thing he ever wanted to do; he loved Kellin to the moon and back. “Sorry,” he added, seeing Kellin’s shoulders drop and he let out a disappointed sigh.

Vic didn’t wait for a response from Kellin before he walked upstairs to the bathroom. As he was walking up, it hurt with each movement, and he was so glad that he had his back to Kellin, as he could feel his eyes on his back. Vic could already tell something was changing between them, as much as he didn’t want that, or maybe that was his worried thoughts. God, maybe this shower would make his thoughts and dirtiness go away, he hoped. Vic just really wanted everything to go back to normal, and he wanted his relationship with the band and Kellin to go back and not being risked to coming to an end because of one fan who attacked Vic. There was no way he could report this without it getting out to the public and he ultimately humiliating himself and getting unwanted pity.

Vic shook his head as he locked the bathroom door slowly as he was worried Kellin might walk into the bathroom, pushing for more. Sometimes playfully, Kellin would giggle and try to push for more when they both were being a tease considering it was really rare that one of them would say no to having sex or doing sexual things to each other, but when it was serious the other would just leave the matter and ask what was up.

Vic sighed, starting the shower to how hot he liked, and then started to undress his body slowly in front of the mirror. His shirt was the first to come off, pulling it off and throwing it onto the floor, and what he saw almost made him cry but he bit his lip to stifle his sounds. There were scratches and bruises on him already, and it was an awful sight.

When he started to take off his pants and boxer, it was a different sight all together. Vic noticed his hips, lower back, and thighs had dark purple bruises on them, and there was still speckles of blood on his underwear. However, the longer he thought about taking a shower and getting checked out, the more he wanted to get checked out but when could he possibly do that without Kellin stirring up questions? His intentions were to get checked when Kellin went out but if he washed all the evidence away, there was no evidence, if he wanted to pursue accusations and a case against the person that raped him. He was torn between what he wanted to do.

There was a knock on the door that startled him from his thoughts, and made up his mind as he hurried into the shower, pretending to ignore questions and words spurting out of Kellin’s mouth. “Vic?” he said, “Can I come in?”

Vic wanted this shower to take longer than his usual ones as he continued to ignore the questions, the jiggles of the doorknob as Kellin tried to come in, and the saddened sigh that he had let out. However, the final words that he had said before walking away were, “We need to talk.”

Vic felt his stomach drop just like the shampoo bottle that fell out out of his hands and the tears that streamed down his face. Was this the night that Kellin was going to break up with him even though he just came home? Or did Kellin sense that there was something wrong? Fuck, it was either of those two, but Vic hoped it was the latter because then he could spout some lie about how tour was so stressful for him, that he was only tired and wanted his warm bed. How would he explain that he didn’t want to be touched, though? Or the bruises when his shirt might ride up? How would he explain everything to him?

Vic washed his—disgusting—body and hair before got out of the shower, getting dressed, and then walking to where Kellin was. Vic was so ashamed of himself but he was going to hold himself together, not let anyone see his emotions so they wouldn’t ask why he was like this. If he showed his emotions, then they would be worried—they would ask questions he didn’t want to say or didn’t have the answers to.

When Kellin and Vic locked eyes, Vic knew there was something in them that just didn’t set right with either of them. Vic sat down because his legs felt weak and his stomach felt so nauseous, and he just wanted to rewind time so he could just go sign instead of listening to his bladder. God, he was so stupid. Stupid! Stupid! _Stupid!_ Vic bit his lip as he continued looking at Kellin in the eyes, trying to tell what was going on inside his head.

“W-what’s up, Kel?” Vic dared to ask, to break up the awkward silence as they stared at each other. The silence was only making Vic’s heart beat so fast it seemed like it was threatening to burst out of his chest.

“You’ve been acting weird towards me,” Kellin said, putting his head on his wrist, huffing out a sigh. “You seem like there’s something going on but you _won’t_ tell me.”

“I only just got home!” Vic said, throwing his hands in the air. “I’m tired, Kell. I’m so _fucking_ tired.”

“Are you _sure_ that’s the issue? Because even when you were tired, you would talk to me! You would eat dinner with me, and...now, you don’t,” Kellin accused, folding his hands on the table. “There’s something different about you. I can tell.”

“I’m pretty sure,” Vic said, rolling his eyes and shaking his head as he kept thinking about Kellin’s ridiculous questions. “You’re being ridiculous, by the way.”

“I am not! I’m worried about you.” That was all Kellin said before everything fell silent between them. It was an awkward silence; it didn’t feel too good, and it sucked, and all Vic wanted to do was go to bed to forget about all of this. But if he went to bed, Kellin was there and would try things, maybe, but Vic didn’t want that. Maybe he could lay on the couch.

The silence was broken when Kellin had asked, “Are you cheating one me?”

“Are you fucking serious, Kellin?” Vic blew up. “Of course I’m not fucking cheating on you, jesus fuck. Where did that even come from?” Vic wasn’t usually a person to yell in an argument unless he got really upset and mad—it prevented tears. “I fucking love you. Why would I cheat on you?!”

“You don’t need to yell at me,” Kellin said, his voice so small. Kellin hated yelling—it scared him, all loud noises did.

“Well, maybe I do since you’re acting stupid.”

There was hurt plastered on Kellin’s face as he turned his back, leaving Vic in the kitchen. The last thing he said before heading up the stairs was, “Sleep on the couch.”

XXX

Throughout the past few days, they hardly spoke to each other, making everything a lot more awkward it has ever been. The first time they met, neither one of them talked, but they looked at each other. They had done that for almost four days before actually getting the courage to talk to each other, and even then it was a small whisper of greetings. Now, it as nothing besides to ask if either one of them needed or wanted something. Finally, on the third day, Kellin had told Vic that he was going to his mom for a couple hours or maybe a day, he didn’t know.

Vic sighed but it was a relieved sigh as he knew he could go to the doctors to get himself checked. After an hour of knowing Kellin was gone, he showered, got dressed and headed to the doctors. The way to the doctors was the hardest for him as those kinds of doctors always made him uncomfortable. It made him even more uncomfortable considering he was so worried he had something to make him even _more_ disgusting. When he pulled up to the parking lot, he had to grip the wheel before going inside, signing himself in and waited.

*

After he left the clinic, they had told him they would get in touch with him when they got the results. Vic rushed home and locked the door when he was comforted that no one—not even Kellin—was at the house. It was just Vic. Part of him thought it was an amazing idea to be home alone; no worrying about Kellin’s advances or suspicious questions, but there was also the underlying fact that no one was here to protect him if anyone came barging into his house to hurt him again. _No one_.

However, the more his thoughts back to that night where he laid on the ground, letting the attack happen, he felt so weak and gross. Vic knew that this would never be okay again; he will always have this memory of someone invading him in unforgivable ways, and ways that may never make Vic and Kellin ever be that close again. Vic felt his chest tighten the more he thought about all of this and how sex had always had been healthy and satisfying, and now it’ll always be terror and tears—from both parties, he bet. God, how did this get so bad? Vic didn’t deserve this, at all, because he was a nice person—always was a nice to everyone.

Vic wanted Kellin, now, just to tell him everything was okay but that meant telling him what had happened that night. There was something different but he did not cheat on Kellin, right? God, he had no one to talk to about this—he wanted answers on everything; to get his head straight so these scattered thoughts made sense. Kellin was his best friend, always had been, and they would always tell each other everything—all the good, all the hurt, the mean, and the worst—and they trusted each other. Sometimes, they would lie at night, just breathing and looking at each other with smiles on their faces. Shit, they even took each others virginity, and they’ve always been the only person they have ever been with. There’s so much trust in their relationship—so much honesty—and now it’s ruined. It’s torn to shreds as he kept this huge secret from Kellin.

Vic hadn’t noticed the door unlocking and Kellin walking inside. “Hey,” Kellin said, his voice so soft but it made Vic flinch out of his thoughts. “Why are you just...sitting there? Staring at nothing?”

Vic bit his lip, looking at Kellin. “Just thinking, I guess,” Vic admitted with a shrug.

“About?” Kellin asked, sitting next to Vic but keeping a distance between them.

“I...I don’t know,” Vic said, it wasn’t a lie—he really didn’t know because his thoughts weren’t in order. Nothing was making sense anymore. “I…just, I was just thinking about last night, I guess.”

“Oh,” was Kellin’s answer as he started to chew on his nail. Chewing on his nail was what Kellin did when he was nervous or scared about a certain outcome, and, although, there wasn’t anything to be scared about, they both were—Vic had his reasons to be scared. Kellin did not.

“I’m sorry for last night,” Kellin finally said when Vic said no more. “I should’ve realized that you didn’t. I worry about you, a lot, Vic, and when you act different, I worry a lot more.” Kellin let out a deep breath, finally looking Vic in the eyes. “There is something different, I can tell, but you just won’t let me _in_. Why?”

“I don’t have an answer for that,” Vic lied, and he knew that Kellin could probably tell as he wasn’t the best liar in the entire world. “I don’t know.”

“You do know, Vic,” Kellin said, his voice cracked as he tried to hold himself together. “Why won’t you let me in? Whatever it is, I want to help you, baby—please, let me help you!”

“There’s nothing to help with.”

*

Later that night, Vic tried to make Kellin happy by sleeping in the same bed but he stayed the big spoon to not have Kellin make any advances. It was comforting, but at the same time, it was also making him scared shitless to have someone so close and half naked although Vic had pajama pants and an old t-shirt on. Kellin had given him a look because it was unusual because Vic and Kellin only slept in their boxers, but Vic had things to hide—bruises and scratches.

Vic was still awake because all of his thoughts were still in his head. They became more dangerous the more he thought about all of this—if he wanted all the pain and thoughts to end, there was only one way out. Death. Death was always a topic he wanted to leave out and never talk about, but it seemed Death was calling for him to relieve these thoughts. If he died, only the fans would know that he had killed himself, but if he didn’t and he kept manifesting these thoughts, then the rape would get out. He couldn’t have that.

Vic lifted the blanket so softly, so quietly, as he got up and went to the bathroom to see if he would welcome Death by pills. Kellin and Vic’s pill cabinet was filled with pills as they both got sick easily and if Vic needed to soothe his throat. None of them had serious pills to take, but there were different pills that could all lead him the same way to Death’s arms. It was best that he had done this while Kellin was asleep rather than earlier when he was home alone because, now, Kellin wouldn’t suspect a thing. If Vic had tried earlier, Kellin would’ve called for him, found him, and then there was no way he would die. It would’ve been too soon for the pills to really do their magic. As of now, Kellin was asleep and he was a very heavy sleeper, and he slept all night. By the time morning came, the pills would have done their magic and there wouldn’t be no more Vic.

Vic smiled at the thought as he pulled out a random bottle, popping many of the pills down his throat, and cupped water to help them go down easier—to dissolve easier. Vic knew it’d be awhile before the pills came into affect, so he continued with a few more. It wasn’t too long until he felt the bathroom spinning around him, his stomach clenching with the need to vomit, and his eyes getting heavy. Vic got down onto his knees, lifting the toilet seat up to only push it back down as his head collided with the cold floor.

It was lights out for him.

XXX

The bright lights burned when he opened his eyes. The lights were almost too bright for him so he had to open and close them a few times to only realize he was not dead. He was in the hospital. Fuck, his plan hadn’t worked and now he was in deep shit—probably going to be sent to a mental ward to get through his issues that weren’t anyone’s business besides his own. God, if he had just died, then none of this would be a fucking issue.

“Vic?” came a small, sad voice. “Vic? Look at me.”

Vic sighed, turned his head and saw Kellin whose face was red and tear-stained, but more tears were falling down onto his cheeks. “Hi,” Vic said, his voice wrecked and he was so thirsty.

“Why?” was Kellin’s question. “Why did you do this?”

“Do what?”

“Don’t play stupid, Vic,” Kellin said harshly through fresh tears. “You know exactly what. You drowned half a bottle of pills! God, you’re lucky you’re alive, Vic.”

 _No I’m not,_ Vic thought bitterly. “Sorry,” he said, looking away to only look at the white wall.

“Tell me why you did this.”

*

Vic was released a few days later with the rules of being watched. The days when Kellin couldn’t, his brothers and the rest of the band promised to look after him as if he was a small child. Everyone of them tried to get answers out but no one could—Vic refused to answer. When the question was asked, Vic would shut down and tone everyone out, and eventually everyone stopped asking him. It was bliss for awhile until Kellin became persistent with the question, with being beside him to make sure he wouldn’t try and kill himself again.

“Vic, please,” Kellin said, trying to get his attention after the question came out of his mouth. “Vic, for fuck sakes, just answer the question! Stop trying to shut everyone out of your life. Now, I know something happened so stop playing stupid with me.”

“You really wanna know?” Vic seethed, daring to look at Kellin’s desperate face. “You wanna know what happened the last day of the tour? The day before I came home? You wanna know why I refuse to touch you or you touch me?”

There was silence but Vic continued. “Well, ya see here, I got fucked in the ass against my will by some fan. There. There’s your fucking answer.”

Everything went silent, even their breathing, as they looked at each other. Kellin was processing what Vic had just said to him, and when it did, Kellin’s eyes started watering. Kellin started to shake his head to prevent himself from crying, and Vic just looked angry and hurt.

“W-why didn’t...why didn’t you tell me?” Kellin asked, his voice wavering because of the emotions.

“Because of everyone’s reaction,” Vic said bluntly. “Especially yours.”

  



End file.
